______________________________________

Not sure where I currently am.

I see nothing. I see no shapes, no colors. I see no people or objects. I see no sorrow, but also no happy faces. All I see is nothing.

I feel nothing. I feel no anger, sadness or happiness. I feel no sunlight kissing my skin, or tea warming my insides. I feel no sand touching my toes, or wind blowing in my face. I feel no embrace, kiss or touch. All I feel is nothing.

I think nothing. I don’t think about how these trousers make me look fat. I don’t think about how I don’t have enough time to finish my work. I don’t think about why a pizza is round and not square shaped. I don’t think about whether Aliens exist and if we are the only species in this universe. All I think is nothing.

All I hear is nothing.

All I taste is nothing.

All I smell is nothing.

All there is, is Infinite nothingness.

______________________________________

I blink my eyes a couple of times, hoping it will help create something. Just as I would after a ray of sun suddenly hits my eyes; adjusting to the sharpness of the light. Maybe I just haven’t seen ‘something’ yet.







Suddenly, in the distance a tiny dot of some sorts appears. “Finally, something.” Without hesitation I start running towards the dot, still adjusting my eyes.






After running for what seems an eternity, something gains shape. I start smelling a juicy scent, and see an iridescent landscape, a garden of some sorts. Walking to enter it, I think to myself how incredibly beautiful this place is. I continue and explore, when suddenly I realise that I recognize none of the flowers, or plants. It is like nothing I’ve ever seen before. I take a deep breath and as I try to rationalise where I am, when all of a sudden I hear a voice.

“ **Ahum** excuse me, you are standing on my Memorialises (or something that sounds like a flower of death), could you move your feet?”

Startled, I tripped and fell down.

“Darling, why did you yell at her. You made her tripp over her feet.”

“Well, her feet should not have been there in the first place”

Still unsure with what is happening I remain on the floor, quiet and observing. The 2 creatures are somewhat pear shaped, pink, and have one huge gaping eye in the middle of their ‘head’. What the hell is happening?! Who are these beings? While contemplating their existence, one of them reaches out to help me.

“Excuse Dood, he clearly has no manners. Let’s get you up on your feet again.”

I took the creature's hand and I got up. When doing so, I made sure to make a big step to the right, avoiding the Memorialises. “Who are you?” I asked confused.

“Oh but of course, how rude of me! My name is Levenloos and that’s Dood, and right now you are in our Jardin. Who are you?

“Uhm…” Good question. I had no clue who the hell I was. “I am not sure anymore. I am nothing. I remember nothing. Only that I blinked a couple of times and I found this something. I don’t remember who I was before the nothing though. All I remember is this neverending nothingness. This is when I started running and found myself here, still not knowing who I am”

“Pfff, Why did you run?” The creature - that apparently was called Dood - snorted at me. “There is no need for physical exercise if all you experience is nothingness. Why put in the effort?

“I guess you’re right. Maybe I was running away from the nothingness, in fear?”

“Fear for nothingness? How can you fear something that doesn’t exist?”

“I guess you’re right, again… I don’t know how to explain it, but it is the only thing I feel, fear.”

“Oh you poor thing, I wish to help you rid your fears. Have you tried gardening? Our Jardin really helps us relax!”

“Not sure if that will help her Levenloos, she’s clearly not ready to cultiver.”

“What does that mean, ‘cultiver’?

“Cultiver? You don’t know what cultiver means? Who are you?”

“I don’t know”

“ Come on Dood, let’s not make the child upset. Cultiver just means that you prepare, as we do our Jardin. We nourish and prepare the Jardin so there is something and not nothing, you see”

“I don’t. I am still confused”

“You foolish little girl. Ugh, this conversation is useless Levenloos. I want to continue watering my Memorialises. I have enough things on my own mind that I am trying to deal with, I can’t have her interrupt my cultivation”

“Calm down Dood, let’s be kind to our guest. Uhm, let me think… what should we do with you… Oh, I know, maybe our friend Thanatos can explain better to you how you can cultiver, and this could possibly help you on your quest to find yourself again? Continue along the path and take the first road to your left. He should be able to help you find your way.”

“Hah, good idea. Let Thana deal with this.”

As Dood uttered some final words under his breath, he continued to water his Memorialises. Time for me to go, I thought to myself. Clearly. So… I started walking and still managed to utter the words “Thank you!” under my breath.

“You’re welcome! Good luck girl, I hope you find what you are looking for.”

______________________________________

Walking along the pathway I slowly start to feel the nothingness creep back in my thoughts. The colors slowly shift, and it all suddenly feels darker. I find myself running again.



Out of the blue, I suddenly see a sign that says, thanatos eitho. Remembering the name, I realised I was getting closer to where I was going and slowly started to calm down again. “Thank goodness! There it is” I exhaled as I found the road turning left. “Let’s go and find this Thanatos guy, and see what he has to say”

As the path turned to the left, the road almost immediately came to a standstill. I find myself in some sort of a field; peacefully silent and covered by a purple cluster of efflorescence. Feeling calm, and happy, I found myself pondering about the stillness. Realizing I am not drowning in solitude, I am embracing it. I don’t constantly feel the need to check ‘something’ to numb the silence, I am grasping it. It feels amazing. In a spiral of tranquility, I close my eyes and listen.













After what seemed like an eternity of breathing, smelling and listening it dawned on me that I almost forgot my mission: Thanatos! She’s not here! I quickly opened my eyes to have a second look and found that the field of purple had changed into a grey gloomy meadow. “What the hell happened?... Helloo?” Gazing into the misty distance, all at once I saw a shadow moving towards me. “Hello? Is there somebody there?” With shivers down my spine, I still decided to move closer. My determination to know more about who I am, overpowered my fight or flight instinct. “Hello? Can you please help me? Please!? Thanatos? I was sent by your friends Dood and Levenloos… They told me to come here and ask your advice!” As I uttered those words, the shadow stopped moving, the mist evaporated and the purple efflorescent sea re-appeared. Yet this time, I saw this beautiful little aerial creature, resembling a butterfly roaming the field. It was flapping its wings freely, becoming almost one with the surroundings; so peaceful.

Suddenly, I heard a faint whisper say: “Come closer, I won’t bite”

Hesitantly, I moved my way through the purple towards the creature. Looking at my feet I realized that with every step I took, a patch of the purple flowers turned grey. I stopped and yelled: “I seem to be destroying your field, I think I should remain still”

“Don’t worry about that, that happens to me all the time! Come closer!”

Carefully, I continued until I reached her. “Are you Thanatos?”

“Yes dear, I am. What seems to be your query?”

“Well, I found myself in a space of nothingness, and I can’t seem to get myself out of it. I don’t know who I am before this nothingness, I only know I am confused and scared. I want to remember, but all seems to be gone.”

“Oh, that sounds highly unpleasant dearie. How is it that you think I could help you on this quest?

“Uhm… I thought you were supposed to know. Levenloos and Dood were saying that I should cultivate my Jardin, yet I don’t even know what that is, let alone how I would cultivate it. So.. yeah, they thought you would know what I should do?

“You don’t know how to cultivate your Jardin? Really? Where do you come from? Didn’t your parents teach you to cultivate?”

“I don’t know. I don’t remember them, nor if they taught me cultivation. Please, can you teach me?”

“ I am not sure dearie, as I just do. I don’t ponder, or question, or doubt. I don’t examine, or dwell, or contemplate. I find myself floating and cultivating quite naturally, you see. So, I don’t know how to enlighten you on your quest.”

“Please! There must be something you can do?”

“Ok dearie, let me think… Hmmmm, cultivate cultivate, how to explain something so great. Have you tried mindlessly floating? That seems to do the trick for me. I float and fly, and just enjoy; why don’t you try?”

“Mindlessly floating? But, uhm, do you mean flying? Because, I definitely can’t fly.”

“Nonsense! Of course you can! Come, just think of happy things and stop worrying. Worrying makes you lead-footed, you see. It blocks you from enjoying the journey.

“But, uhm..”

“No but’s, just come! Once you know how to carelessly roam, cultivating will come naturally to you. I am sure of it! Let yourself go and fly!”

“Uhm, like, wait, what?! How do I do that? All I feel is worry and anxiety right now. How do I turn that off?

“Oh dearie, it’s worse than I thought.”

As she was trying to think, she dozed off and I could see that her wings were slowing down. For a second I thought she was going to fall.

“Thanatos, careful! Your wings!!”

She shook her head, trying to shake the snooze. Her wings regained their speedy fluttering, and she looked at me.

“Sorry dearie, I can’t help you. You are going to have to go to my friend, because you are putting lead into my thoughts. I can’t freely float with lead. No no, I need you to go, now!”

Confused and disheartened, I ask: “Which friend?”

“ My friend Død, they should know what to do!”

“But, ok… uhm ok, how do I get there?”

“Turn around and follow the path!”

“Uhm, but what does Død look like?”

“You will know when you see them. Just GO. NOW!”

Scared to weigh her down more, I turn around and start walking.

______________________________________

Wait, where is the path? The way I had come from before, had evaporated into the nothingness, and all I could see was nothing. Frustration was beginning to hover over me, and I started to contemplate my return to nothingness. Why is everything gone again? I started blinking my eyes like before, thinking it would work again. It didn’t. The only thing I could see is a grey mist. It started to feel darker and darker. My scaredness was starting to take over again, and I started seeing this dark creature again.

“Hello? Thanatos? Død? You there?”

The creature came closer but said nothing.

“Hello? Død?”

The shape in a sudden speed rushed towards me. I felt the need to run away, but my feet were led. I stayed as this ghost like creature made its way, until it stood right in front of me. Or at least, that is what I thought it did. The creature was not only ghostly in its behavior, but also its appearance seemed vague. Shapeless and unsharp, I found it hard to focus my eyes.

“Død? Is that you?

“No it’s not Død! I am Trépas, but you can call me Tre.”

“Ok.. hello Tre! Maybe you could help me?”

“Maybe I could… I am quite knowledgeable. So let's see, what is it that you want to know?”

“Uhm well, you see, I was looking for Død, do you maybe know where I could find them?”

“Why in the hell would you want to go to them? They always want to talk about too many things. Just ignore them, you’ll be better off.”

“Well, I am trying to figure out why I remember nothing, and Thanatos seems to think that they could help me in my quest to fly and consequently cultivate.""

“Why are you trying to figure it out? I don’t understand. Enjoy the nothingness, it's the easiest solution to everything.”

“What do you mean, solution?”

“Nothingness is great. It doesn’t pressure you into roaming or cultivating. It just lets you feel and do absolutely nothing, don’t you see. It’s the best solution for everything. It’s amazing!”

“Uhm, but, will that help with understanding? I fear that I don’t remember anything, and I want to so badly.”

“Stop all that bullshit of wanting to understand or remember. Just ignore your thoughts and feelings. Don’t deal with them, suppress them. It will be better for you, trust me.”

“Why will it be better? I just, I don't understand!?”

“Stop understanding, just ignore. IGNORE you imbecilic girl.”

“Well… uhm no.”

“No?!? What do you mean no?”

“I mean NO! I do want to understand. I want to embrace, remember and enjoy every single little thing. So go away!”

“You are making a big mistake girl, just come with me and I will show you how to embrace, remember and enjoy ignoring everything. Trust me.. Come!”

“NO, I won’t. All I want to ignore is YOU!



______________________________________

Right after blurting out those words, the fog disappeared almost immediately, and everything was bright and empty again.

“Ok, let’s stop overthinking everything, and just walk.” My fear was slowly overpowered by determination and I started marching towards nothing. At that moment, an orange trail started to appear in front of my eyes, and I felt the urge to run overtake me.



Shortly after I started running I realized the trail multiplying. There were now not one, not two, but millions of little orange pathways all guiding me towards something in the distance. Trying to focus my eyes I saw something colossal. When I got closer I gasped, and blurted out: “WOW! It's so beautiful!” I had never seen anything like it. In the middle where the trails crossed there was a humongous trunk emerging from the ground. It was almost like fire, as the orange trails were twisting its way up the trunk, they became part of it, and continued to twist into the brightest yellow branches. Tall long yellow branches, that in its turn all hung towards the floor; almost like a willow tree. It was so magnificent, my mouth dropped to the floor and all I could do was stare.

“Well, thank you darling, appreciate the compliment. But haven’t your parents ever told you that it’s rude to stare? Close your mouth little girl!”

Startled I immediately did as told, and shifted my eyes away, towards the floor. “I am ssssoorry, excuse me, I I didn’t mean to. I just, I...”

“You what? What seems to be the issue?”

“I just have never seen anything like you, I am completely flabbergasted!”

“Well, that’s very kind of you to say so darling. I am flattered!”

“Uhm, you’re welcome! I I, uhm was wondering, do you by any chance know Død? I’ve been looking for them for a while now, and seem to be lost”

“Well darling, then you’re right where you need to be. How can I be of service to you?”

You’re Død? Ah thank goodness, I thought I was never going to find you!”

“It’s ok darling, you can relax now. Tell me what you require of me?”

“Well, I was sent here by your friend Thanatos, who I was sent to by Dood and Levenloos. They tried to teach me how to cultivate my Jardin, but I didn’t understand., as I was afraid of the nothingness being all I remembered. Thanatos thought I should fly to reach cultivation but I didn’t manage either. And, yeah, she thought you would be able to help me where she couldn’t. Then some creature called Tre tried to steer me in a direction of ignorance, but I found myself more motivated than ever to continue so I did. So, uhm yeah well I guess that’s why I am here. Could you help me?

“ Ok, let me see if I understand your rambling clearly. You don’t remember who you are, and are scared by that? And you don’t know how to fly, or cultivate, but you’re not willing to just ignore the fear?

“YES, EXACTLY! Thank you!”

“Oh darling, what a kerfuffle you found yourself in. I see how this can be stressful. Why don’t you sit down for a second while I think about it for a bit.”

Just as Død said that, I felt the earth tremble a bit beneath me. The afore floored orange trails now started to rise above the ground to shape themselves into pouf like thing. As I sat down I realized how tired I was, I sighed in relief and waited. I finally had some time to sit still and think. To reflect on what happened without feeling a rush to get to the next stage and answer. The thing about having to run all the time, is that it doesn’t really give you a moment to mull over your path already taken. Sitting here I finally had some… well I guess just time to do exactly that. In the act of mulling away, I felt the fear that was clouding my brain slowly dwindle. Slowly but surely, I was beginning to see clearly again, and was starting to understand the nothingness I came from. As I was getting closer to acceptance, I heard a faint sign of laughter. I looked up and found that Død was staring at me with a big grin on their face.

“Excuse me Død, but may I ask what’s so funny?”

“Well, I am done. You’re welcome!”

“Wait, what do you mean you’re done? You haven’t said or explained anything ever since I sat down! How are we done?!”

“True, but precisely that is what you needed!”