Abstract 💝

Within my thesis I explore my alter ego, using the analogy of the Pleaser Heel as an entry to her, Zarissa. I elaborate how my alter ego was built based on my upbringing, acquired aesthetics and materialistic desires. I go on to analyze the deeper layers behind my alter ego and argue that she utilizes her sexuality, specifically by evolving in the spheres of erotic entertainment and its relation to sex work, to reject the patriarchy and the male gaze. I conclude with reflections on the intersections of sexual repression, shame and whorephobia, all of which I aim to divert through my alter ego, a personal research into bodily autonomy, female sexual power and community.

Introduction 💖

I’d like to begin with an anecdote from my life that I’m personally fond of. When I was around 4/5 years old I was attending a kindergarten in Kaunas, Lithuania. To set the scene it was a basic kindergarten with a leftover soviet playground, ugly and rusty. One day, I’m not sure due to what occasion, my father recalls a moment when all the kids answered the question: ‘What do you want to be when you grow up?’ . All the answers from the other children where quite typical, fireman, policewoman, singer ect. When it came to my turn, my parents recount an answer they'll never forget. What was my response? Well it was simple,

‘I want to be a
beautiful girl’...🎀

Now around 20 years later I embody the fantasy of being a ‘beautiful girl’ through my alter ego. The definition of an alter ego is the following: 'an alternate self, which is believed to be distinct from a person's normal or true original personality. Finding one's alter ego will require finding one's other self, one with a different personality.’ For me the idea of an alter ego functions as a tool to explore everything related to design. The inspiration behind my alter ego is myself, but an enhanced and highly curated version of me, in terms of fashion, styling, attitude and self expression. I view it as a direct embodiment of elements of my life I choose to include and choose to keep. I’m designing my own narrative around a character (philosophical, physical, digital or 3D) based off my influences, dreams, desires, fantasies and the powerful women I admire. If I would have to put it simply, her name’s Zarissa (started off as a complete joke a while ago), she is a sexy stripper, rich, smart and decked out in designer, and of course she owns hundreds of Pleasers. But more from her later.

Image of child me. Kaunas, Lithuania 2004.

What are Pleasers? 👠

‘Pleasers’ is the name of the original brand that make shoes for strippers and by extension, pole dancers. They are heels ranging from 6-11 inches (15,24cm to 27,94cm) highly engineered for body movement. Pleasers have a smooth curve at the front allowing for a stable movement from a flat platform to a point, similar to the ballet position. This is practical for making prettier shapes with the body and making the feet look pointed. Another element is the way that Pleasers elongate the body, making the dancer look more flexible and allowing them to grasp the pole higher up to mount into tricks. Most importantly, Pleasers are very comfortable, they are specifically designed for dancers to wear during long shifts at the strip clubs (8-10 hours). So next time you wonder how dancers manage in such high heels, the answer is in the shoe engineering itself. Now that you’re familiar with Pleasers we can move onto describing and exploring the phenomenon of my alter ego. Throughout my thesis I use the analogy of ‘Pleaser as entry to my alter ego’. To illustrate, when i’m in my heels pole dancing class¹ and all us girls put on our Pleasers we all stand taller, we’re boosted up with a whole new attitude, flexibility, energy and sexiness about us. We're still ourselves but elevated, physically and metaphorically. Theres a quote from a Minneapolis-based burlesque star, dancer, and professional dominatrix, who has about 20 pairs of Pleasers in rotation. Her description I was fond of, it went like this 'The proportion just seems to power me up in a She-Ra sort of way. You know how you grab the sword and you’re like, ‘I have the power’? You put on a pair of Pleasers, and suddenly you’re in that space to access more of your own sexual power…’ This feeling, sense of own sexual power is everything I want to achieve through my alter ego. I honestly think everyone at some point in life should try on a pair of Pleasers… Although I don’t believe you have to be a dancer in Pleasers to experience this energy that comes with wearing Pleaser heels. As I described this to one of my classmates who’s not a dancer, he recalled a memory of the first time he stole and tried on his mothers heels, and could completely relate.

Image of me receiving my first pair of Pleasers from my besties for my 22nd birthday where the theme was ‘dress like me’. Photographed by Joel Quayson.

Pleaser 20th Anniversary Heel

Acquired Aesthetics💗

To elaborate on the feeling of elevation and accessorizing I’d like to move on to talking about my upbringing, acquired aesthetics, family history in jewelry, materialism among the women in my family and Lithuania's Soviet past. All these elements played an important role in forming and creating my alter ego. I’d like to reiterate, these are elements I choose to keep and choose to include. As I will emphasize throughout, its not random its curated. Lets start from the beginning, growing up I spent a-lot of time with my lovely grandmother Aldona in Druskininkai, a small town where we lived a very simple life. But my grandmother is far from simple, she’s the most glamorous lady you'll ever meet. I’d like to reflect on how much my upbringing influenced me and my alter ego. Especially my grandmother’s and mother’s aesthetics. It was funny to realize that not everyone's grandmother gardens in sparkly platform sandals.

Image of my grandmothers iconic gardening sandals. I sadly don't have a photo of hers but this is the vibe. Do you see the Pleaser resemblance?

So lets establish the first lesson on the agenda, looking rich. I have always been told to look rich, presentable and beautiful when I left the house. The more clothing that allude to wealth the better, the more layered jewelry, gold, silver and diamonds the better. Luckily, I come from a line of jewelers, there was always plenty to accessorize with. Jewelry in my family has always been important, it has always been important to me. I never buy jewelry, everything I wear is either made by my grandad or uncle, or passed down to me from previous generations of jewelers. I wear my jewelry with pride. I carry parts of my family with me daily. I alternate compositions with the jewelry I wear every few months. I am never in abundance of looking rich in that aspect, there is always more jewelry coming my way during birthdays and Christmas I cherish it deeply. This past Christmas of 2023 I was sitting in the kitchen with my biggest muse and style inspiration, my grandma. I was wearing many layered chains and necklaces, as usual. Some of them I had just received the day before from my granddad as a gift, some are very unique chains made by him. I layer them in a way that creates a complimentary composition, my grandad and I contemplate it. It’s not random, it’s curated. As my grandma sits beside me, she looks at me and is in thought, she proceeds to say something along the lines of ‘I’m just thinking about your necklaces, how your mother would layer them the same, how I would layer them and how my mother layered them like that too. We all do the same thing and love the same thing’... For me there’s something so effortless and almost automatic in the I way developed this admiration and love for jewelry, the way I learned to design its compositions on the body. The way I learned to look rich. I always loved piling on as much as possible even as a child. I would even spend my time organizing and layering my grandma’s jewelry (see image). As I reflect, and observe, I can see how my acquired aesthetics are very present within my alter ego today and consequently my design practice. There came a point where I wondered how could I add more? More in the sense of contrast, composition, fantasy and allure.

My grandmother’s jewelry arrangement on her cabinet.

Sexy Plexi ✨

For me this is where Sexy Plexi comes into the picture. As we have already acknowledged, I adore being over accessorized. When it comes to my alter ego I like to take it to the extreme. Thus a few years ago I started ‘Sexy Plexi’, my own little jewelry business. I started with the intention of creating more contrasting pieces to create compositions with. My grandad’s jewelry is beautiful but I wanted something that was different and in line with my alternating aesthetic, something I could change up and experiment with, layer, pile on and perhaps deconstruct. Sexy Plexi as a product is individual plexiglass pieces I design and cut using the laser cutter. These pieces of plexi come in different colors and can be arranged in different ways on the body. This way of producing was so effective for me to explore my destiny of being a jewelry designer in my own contemporary way. I believe it’s a huge part of my alter ego, to pile jewelry on beyond my usual extreme. To allow myself to question how can I keep accessorizing more? And most importantly do I look rich? I often contemplate these things whilst getting dressed. And although it may sound absurd, my graphic design studies and practice taught me to analyze all these intentional design choices. I approach getting dressed, accessorizing and getting my hair and make up done the same way I would when designing a book or a poster. As I’ll keep repeating, it is not random it’s curated.

Image of Sexy Plexi individual pieces, looking at them now there’s something familiar in the plastic material, made to last, but that also looks cheap. I see it in my grandma’s house with fake flowers and even in my Pleasers.


Me, over accessorized. In Sexy Plexi and my grandad’s jewelry.

Materialism And Desire 💞

From my perspective, this obsession with looking rich, wearing exaggerated jewelry is deeply rooted in materialism. However, not materialism in its simplest form².With the help of bell hooks I’d like to delve into exactly what type of materialism I truly mean. One that comes from being suppressed as a society for many years, one that’s manifested in many different ways, one that is not necessarily humble but is more honest and pure, a type of materialism that is a part of reclaiming, re-accessorizing and healing from Soviet trauma. Before I continue I want to make a few things clear. The matter of the Soviet Union is recent in Lithuanian history, I find that many people tend to forget that. It was only 34 years ago that Lithuania declared it's independence on March 11th 1990. In total we were occupied for 50 years throughout which we experienced incredible repression, hunger, brutality, enslavement, deportation, russification and much more. I am the first generation within my family to have never experienced the oppression and cruelty of the Soviet Union. However, being born only 11 years after its collapse, I see first hand its leftovers on our society What first stood out to me was the idea of respectability linked to the luxury possessions you own, but more specifically owning these expensive items, in times of extreme scarcity, sometimes whilst you can’t afford to pay rent. The best way I can describe it is, in Lithuania you will see the most expensive cars on the streets and in parking lots of Soviet apartment block buildings. My neighbor in Lithuania with his Bentley is a prime example. As bell hooks puts it ‘When it came to the issue of desiring and longing for the beautiful object, whether it was a house, a car, furniture, clothing, shoes, etc., everyone agreed, across class, that folks needed to be in touch with beauty. It was such a common way of thinking about life it seemed "natural"’ ³. I personally really relate to this quote and see how many people in Lithuania don’t need these cars and nor can they afford them. But I get the feeling in our society, much like in the one bell hooks describes, this notion isn't questioned, it is commonly understood that getting this expensive car is respected and necessary. There’s an objective in the need and craving and desire to own these luxury items. I personally feel it too and have also observed it manifest in different ways among my family members. Ironically the more time I spend in Western Europe the more I get the impression that the general outlook of money and materialism is starkly different. The perspective is very practical, and not at all pleasurable. If I’m honest, I find it almost sad. I grew up with the logic that money is there to be spent and enjoyed, never saved. The other day I had some extra money and I bought some new 8 inch Pleaser heels. I didn't necessarily need them but I had been obsessively dreaming about them for months. These materialistic desires in turn allow us to enjoy our lives of (fabricated) luxury. The idea of luxury also comes from the need to be surrounded by beauty, to collect beauty and to create beauty around ourselves. I see this need to collect within my family, this connection, admiration and eye for objects. Its definitely rooted in materialism though in a very humble and honest way. I can see how given our history and our past as a post soviet country we crave these objects that were once so scarce, we crave to have our own items and to keep them close, especially if beautiful.

Image of my neighbor’s Bentley in Lithuania, sitting in a run down parking lot. I find it ironic.


The 8 inch Pleasers I bought.

Materialism and Feminism 🎀

For the women in my family the idea of collecting beauty exists in the world of fashion and glamour. Again, this notion of always being a beautiful girl/woman when exiting the house. My mother was always very glamorous no matter what occasion, outing or financial trouble she was in. Looking beautiful was always a priority. I enjoy the way Bell Hooks puts it: ‘To my mother, "nice things" were not the earth, the sky, the eggs in the henhouse, "nice things" were the objects seen in advertisements, on the screen, and in catalogs.’*. I saw first hand how as my mother progressed in life and became successful, the Chanel bags she now owns became a symbol of her own success and the dedication it took to get there. I find that the subject of materialism in feminism is frowned upon, it has been heavily associated with negative consumption habits and capitalism. As bell hooks writes, ‘Progressive feminist thinkers are more likely to critique the dangers of excessive materialism without discussing in a concrete way how we can balance a desire for beauty or luxury within an anticapitalist, anti sexist agenda.’ To the women in my family I find fulfilling these materialistic desires comes from a place of pride, pride in taking care of themselves, pride in looking good and feeling good, pride in style, pride in family history, pride in the hard work it took to finally be able to purchase these luxury items, pride in being able to have autonomy and control over their own finances, pride in their own success. The women in my family have always been hard workers and have always stressed the importance of independence - why not celebrate it by fulfilling a long term desire? I believe that hyper-materialism is not a sin, overall within feminism ‘we need to place aesthetics on our agenda’. For me that begins when I put on my Pleasers.

Image of my mother and I in Portugal 2011. So you get an idea.